


Breathe and Die

by quicksilvermalec



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec just wants Magnus to be okay, Angst, But mostly angst, Fluff, I'm actually sorry, I'm so sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lots of Angst, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Past Character Death, Some sadness, Well - Freeform, actually, at the end, but be warned, but rn I actually legitimately am holy shit, but yeah, cuteness?, enjoy????, like for reals, like usually I say that but I'm lying, malec are so in love, sort of off-screen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 09:15:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18989722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quicksilvermalec/pseuds/quicksilvermalec
Summary: He loved like breathing; he loved like dying.Magnus would remember for the rest of his very long life the exact moment that the fire died in his Alexander's eyes.***Someone dies; someone mourns; someone remembers. The cycle repeats itself.





	Breathe and Die

**Author's Note:**

  * For [writingisntapastime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingisntapastime/gifts).



> I have no idea where this came from, and at this point I don't think my Soulmate AUs are going to be continued until September. I'm sorry.

Alec had fought too hard.

Alec had spent his entire life sitting on the sidelines, forcing himself into a box. He watched helplessly as everything important was ripped from him.

Alec Lightwood was small, and angry, and broken, but only in his own mind.

He loved like breathing; it came to him naturally, and it sustained him, it kept him alive. It filled his entire body with life and warmth and brightness. It allowed him to experience things.

He loved like dying; it overwhelmed him, and it was at once both excruciating and peaceful. It was the end, but not really. It was the cycle. It kept those people he had lost - Clary, Jace, Simon, Izzy, Maryse, Robert, Max - alive in him.

Alec loved like he did everything: brilliantly and creatively and a little too hard and a little too fast and so much that everyone else loved him back.

Alec loved like nothing else.

***

When Magnus found him, he was afraid that he was gone. He looked like he'd lost his mind, and it reminded Magnus all too much of his sister-in-law... but that wasn't a helpful train of thought.

He was curled around himself, his black hair spiked up in all directions, a wild look in his eyes.

But when Magnus approached him, he relaxed, and murmured Magnus' name. Magnus felt his heart melt and he rushed to his side.

"Alexander," he whispered. "Alexander, Alexander. Please, Alexander." He didn't know what he was asking for, but he had been searching for days, and Alec was in horrible condition. "What happened to you?"

Alec didn't answer for a very long time. He stared into space over Magnus' shoulder, tears forming in his eyes, and then, without warning, lunged forward as if to attack something. Magnus, on instinct, extended his arm, half to restrain him and half to use magic. Blue sparks flew from his fingertips and Alec flinched away from him.

Magnus took a few steps backward, regretting his actions. "Alexander..." he began. Alec stood slowly against the dull grey wall and raised his hands to shoulder-height.

"What, Magnus?" he asked cautiously, without inflection.

"Alexander, I... I'm scared for you. Are you okay? I need you to be okay."

Alec looked at him with an immense, tangible sadness that seemed to transcend every emotion Magnus had ever experienced. After a long moment during which tears made clean tracks down his grime-stained cheeks, he spoke.

"I have next to nothing left," he explained. "You, Magnus, are all that I have left to lose, and I'll be twice damned to hell if I lose you too."

"You won't lose me," Magnus choked out, but Alec appeared not to have heard him.

"After Simon sacrificed himself protecting Clary from those Fenwek demons and Izzy took an arrow in the neck trying to heal him, I hurt so much I thought I would die. I could barely be there for Jace and Clary to help them mourn their partners. And then Jace killed himself to have Simon back and it was like having my arm ripped off. No, actually, I would have preferred to have my arm ripped off. That would have been less painful than the combined physical and emotional pain of losing my  _parabatai_. It was like someone reached into my chest, pulled out my soul, tore it in half, and put the wrong half back inside me. And then... I cut myself off from everyone, I cut myself off from Clary, and she went absolutely fucking insane mourning Izzy _and_ Simon  _and_ Jace, and I just... let her go. I let myself lose her. I all but placed her on the altar myself. My own little sister, the only family I had left-" he choked off and looked away from Magnus' cat eyes.

It took him a moment to find his voice again, and when he did, it was sorrowful and quiet.

"Then my mom disappeared. Max was already dead. My dad was already dead. And I. Have. Nothing. Nothing," he looked up at Magnus again, "except for you. You, who sat with me in my darkest moments, who protected me from myself, who kept me alive when I wanted to consign myself to the flames. You, who were my joy when things were good and when they sucked. My husband. I took you for granted. I never thanked you or helped you in return, I never tried. I just sank into grief, and expected you to pull me back out. I never deserved you."

Magnus would remember for the rest of his very long life the exact moment that the fire died in his Alexander's eyes.

"And if you think, my love," Alec whispered, looking at Magnus as if he was physically pained - though whether it was by the look on the warlock's face or by the words he was speaking Magnus couldn't be sure - and reaching out hesitantly with his left hand.

"If you think that I have lost myself..." Alexander's voice was so quiet, and he spoke so slowly and regretfully. The last four words he said sent Magnus' head spinning.

"Maybe I should die."

Magnus reeled, trying to connect the words he thought he'd heard to the man he loved - bright, joyful, laughing, beautiful - and he couldn't.  _Maybe I should die._ Magnus knew what that meant. It meant,  _kill me, get me out of here, save me from this torture. If you ever loved me at all, do me this one last favor._

Alec took one small step forward and his outstretched hand touched Magnus' own. He interlocked their fingers. Every movement was sharp, disjointed, agony. He whispered, "I would forgive you."

Magnus looked down at this man that he loved more than anything, the glowing, exuberant Nephilim he'd devoted himself to, and he saw in a flash of clarity what Alec saw in the mirror - a husk. Broken, empty, tired. A shell, a shade of the man he used to be. No longer Alexander Lightwood, no longer a leader, no longer a husband or a friend or a brother or a teacher, simply... there. Surviving, not living. Not even surviving, just existing. Wishing for death every day, wishing he could escape what he'd done to himself and to the people he loved.

Magnus saw it, and he hated it. He loved Alexander Lightwood, and he hated that he had to live this. Magnus enfolded his entire body in his arms, holding him so tightly, as if he could protect him.

As if all old wounds could be healed, made as if they had never been, and the world could become the way it looked through Alec Lightwood's clear blue eyes.

There was an unspoken but very much heard, 'I love you' in those eyes.

He wouldn't make his Alexander suffer.

He kissed his hair gently, softly, and then he placed one hand on the back of his head, and watched his face with a sense of hopelessness he couldn't escape. Alec looked grateful for a fraction of a second, and then his eyelids fluttered shut and he let out a barely audible sigh with his last breath.

It sounded almost like, "thank you."

 

**Author's Note:**

> FUCK ME OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY HOLY SHIT THAT WAS EVEN ANGSTIER THAN I PLANNED IT OH MY GOD I HOPE YOU ENJOYED


End file.
